if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The adults are the big ones right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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