"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
