and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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