kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
