You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
