call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
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well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
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