Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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