Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
