Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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