you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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