In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
