I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
