I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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