she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
