Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
