break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
