I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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