i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
