I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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