I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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