I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
