I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
