watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
