Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we're making bets on your personal life
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
