why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
