I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
