I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
