Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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