I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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