I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
