Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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