Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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