so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
