Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
