you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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