Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
