I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You need Xanax blowdarts
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
