After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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