Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
