Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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