Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
