So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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