Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
