He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
