but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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