my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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