I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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