She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
