she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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