I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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