My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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