i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
