i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize