So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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